Currently I am:
- unemployed.
- in the midst of my Saturn return.
- 53 days away from turning thirty.
It’s all very clear as to why I’m feeling so unsettled lately. These are all valid, life-shifting reasons and I’ve accepted everything is going to be unsettling for a while. But what I don’t understand is why I’m feeling so fucking lost in everything else during this transition.
It’s like I’m feeling every feeling to an overreacting degree. I’m too relaxed, but I’m so stressed. I’m missing the regularity of a schedule and structure, but I refuse to be tied down by time constraints and plans. I’m desperately lonely, but I don’t want to see anyone. I want to leave my house, but I have nowhere to go. I’m unhappy with my love handles, but the gym is such a burden and fasting is hard when you’re home all day. It’s like every feeling I have, be it good or bad, is being amplified right now.
And, I know, this probably kinda sounds like a state of depression. But my un-professional opinion swears it’s not. I wake up every morning feeling grateful for my current time in-between jobs. How lucky am I that I get to experience a couple months of paid time off?! It’s insane. I still can’t fathom the happiness this time has brought me! The dust of real life is starting to settle though, and I can see employment starting to position itself in the not-so-distant future. But still, I promised not to take any of this time for granted. And I haven’t. I swear.
But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m lost. Happy, but lost. I’m feeling so disconnected socially. Like, I don’t fully have a circle to fit into. I’m feeling so disconnected emotionally. Like, I don’t even remember what having a crush on an actual guy feels like. I’m feeling so ready for a change in geography. But, like, I’m obsessed with the home I’ve made for myself and I’m not ready to leave.
It’s such a weird, yet typical human thing. There was a time when I would have given anything to be where I am right now: collecting a large paycheck, living in my own beautiful home, fully caught up on all trashy cable tv shows. And it’s great. I’m so happy to be here. But, now that I’m here, I’m feeling everything else that is missing.
Now, I’m stuck trying to navigate what to do next. Do I do something daring and dramatic, like move to a big city? Do I branch out and expand my social circle? Do I get over my fear of dating apps and start swiping profusely? Do I accept that maybe my quiet, lonely life of Bravo, podcasts, and book reading is it for me? Or, do I leave it up to the stars and trust that my Saturn return will re-transition me down the correct path?
Eh. What does it matter? I’m a human. And humans are never satisfied.
with love and butter and bitching,
bree
buttered and blonde 